Pacem PD

§lPACEM POLICE DEPARTMENT. §rthemoonisflat

-x-x-x-x-1-x-x-x-x- I was shooting heroin and reading "The Fountainhead" in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a gold nugget in the radio to activate it. It was the chief. "Bad news, detective. We got a situation."

"What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?" "Worse. Someone just stole four hundred diamond blocks' worth of bitcoins." The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. "What kind of monster would do something like that?

Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?" "Not yet. But mark my words: we're going to figure out who did this

and we're going to take them down... provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so." "Easy, chief," I said. "Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair." He laughed. "That's why you're the best I got, Lisowski. Now you

get out there and find those bitcoins." "Don't worry," I said. "I'm on it." -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

-x-x-x-x-2-x-x-x-x- I put a gold nugget in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside. "Home Depot Presents the Police!®" I said,

flashing my badge and my crossbow and a small picture of Ron Paul. "Nobody move unless you want to!" They didn't. "Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?" No one spoke up. "Come on," I said.

"Don't you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?" It didn't seem like they did. "Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I'm just going to stand

here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold nuggets or autographed Penn Jillette posters." Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn't care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it. "Subway Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®" I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him. -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

-x-x-x-x-3-x-x-x-x- "Stop right there!" I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt

government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen. I was losing him. "Listen, I'll pay you to stop!" I yelled. "What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I'll offer you thirteen golden nuggets and a genlty worn 'Gary Johnson '16' XL

long-sleeved men's T-shirt!" He turned. In his hand was a crossbow that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own crossbow, put a nugget in it, and fired back. The arrow lodged in a postal service mailbox less

than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose. "All right, all right!" the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. "I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins." "Why'd you do it?" I asked, as I slapped a

pair of Oikos Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy. "Because I was afraid." "Afraid?" "Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers," he

said. "I'm a central banker." I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head. "Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street," I said. "No

matter how many bitcoins you steal, you'll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom." He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- §7Author's note: In the spirit of Pacem and the pure, free market principles it represents, I have mostly plagiarized this story from the New Yorker. No meddling regulator will stop me from selling it anyway.