Book of Dumb Jokes

§5§l═§d-=-=-=-=-=-§5§l═§0 §0 §0§l §0§l§nBook of Dumb§0 §0 §0 §0§l§nJokes§0 §0 §0 §5§l═§d-=-=-=-=-=-§5§l═§0 §0 §8 collected by§0 §0 §0 §1 Lodish§0 §0 §5 §5§l═§d-=-§5§l═

I went to the doctors recently§0 §0 §0He said: "Don't eat anything fatty"§0 §0 §0I said: "What, like bacon and burgers?"§0 §0 §0He said, "No. fatty don't eat anything."

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why do blind people hate skydiving?§0 §0 §0It scares the hell out of their dogs.§0 §0 §0 §0 §0 Wanna know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? "Wonder how far I can kick this bucket"

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got the joke wrong"§0 §0 §0 §0 §0 When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday. §0 §0Now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is.

Shepherd herding sheep with the sheepdog, he gets them into a pen, closes the gate and turns to the farmer.§0 §0 "Here you go Sir, 20 good sheep there for you."§0 §0Farmer looks them over and says "There's only 16"§0 §0"I know but I just rounded them up"

A plateau is the highest form of flattery§0 §0 §0 §0Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.§0 §0

I remember my grandpa's last words:§0 §0"Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt"§0 §0 §0 §0When geese fly in a V formation, do you know why one side is longer than the other? because there are more geese on that side.

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?§0 §0Because they're very good at it.§0 §0 §0 §0To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

A man is getting a checkup.§0 §0 §0Doctor: "You have to stop masturbating"§0 §0 §0Man: "Why?"§0 §0 §0Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you."§0 §0

My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?"§0 §0Which is a really odd way to start a conversation if you ask me.

Why does the name "Edward Woodward" have so many D's in it?§0 §0Because without them, his name would be "ewar woowar"§0 §0 §0 §0It's not the best ceiling I've ever seen, but it's up there.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive."

POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

he first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore. The second guy says "I never want to grow old.

I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times

over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide

with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."§0 §0 §0 §0 §0

§7Printed 1st June '18§0 §0 §7CivClassics§0 §0 §7 §7-=-§0 §7 §7§lCommonwealth§0 §7§l §7§lLibraries§0 §7§l §7-=-