Issue 1

“Pastor_Erickson’s Miney Miney Tiny Time Town and The Path to Slack” By Pastor_Erickson From the depths of the Cathedral of Funk... 1/25/2014, Issue 1

Do not fear JR Bob Dobbs, for a few easy payments he’ll show you how to Slack.

"If you have any answers, we will be glad to provide full and detailed questions" --Grand Usher Jennifer of the Slick Slack Patty Whack sect in Aurora Now on to our first parable...

***********************Gerbil_8 and The Clay Zen ***********************A serious young man by the name of Gerbil_8 found the conflicts of mid-20th Century Civcraft confusing.He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself discords that

troubled him, but he remained troubled. He had a geometric thirst to find more. One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Clay Zen Master said to him , "go to the dilapidated mansion on the Beach of Fellowship , more or less around 6107 -2644,

you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak in chat to those who live there; you must remain AFK until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the crouch position

on top of the gravel and rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate. Relax your essence entirely" He did just as the Clay Zen Master instructed. His AFK’ing was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried

whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how he would know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked

through the room said about him in PMs to one another. His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, chicken droppings fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room...

The first asked the second who the man sitting there was. The second replied "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead." Hearing this, the Gerbil_8 was enlightened.

"If you haven't been there, I can't tell you how to get there. But you have been there, I can show you how to stay there." -- Dobbs, in 1965 Sales Lecture

***********************CAMELEOPERD’S MYSTIC PATH TO ABUNDANCE ***********************Cameleoperd was a man lost in Aurora. He mined the nether and built a house entirely of Quartz. He didn’t know Bob. He had no faith, except in TOIL.

He worked so goddamn hard the neighbors talked about him and he wasn’t invited to last year’s BBQ hosted in the Bay District of Aurora. He was likely already captured by the CONSPIRACY with their tractorbeams sucking the Slack right out from

anyone they can get their tentacle paws on. Bob brings a new destiny for Civcraft - a time of cataclysmic economic change that will offer UNTOLD RICHES AND POWER to those "in the know" while billions of DESERVING CONSPIRACY DUPES FRY in Hell-on-Earth...

It wasn’t until HE OBTAINED “PROOF OF SLACK” ™ that Cameleoperd found greatness in Haven’s H-DOME. A ticket to (mostly) ETERNAL SALVATION or TRIPLE your money back (and NOW ONLY 2d)!

Uncontrolled thinking, controlled by "Bob," will usher in a SPIRITUAL REBIRTH and a cas-cade of astounding mysteries, supernatural riches, and a restoration of lost psychic abilities that will totally transform the lives of those who DARE

to seek them and pay for them. that's right - you're lucky to live in the End Times. Amen. Without Remorse

Q. "How come a woodpecker doesn't bash its brains out?" A. Nobody has ever explained that

***********************Conspiracy Lives in Hexagons *********************** Throughout my travels, I have encountered many who have broken their backs working. Moving the earth, rather than living atop it-- looking to weird geometric shapes instead of

embracing the chaos of the CivEarth Bob discovered for us. Unbelievers. Indignant bystanders, offended by the GOOD WORD OF BOB. People like Zooste, some shmuck in the Hexagon who is trying to get the Conspiracy to abduct me again! Asking for things like

PROOF for Bob’s existence. To offer "proof" would be to insult the Is-ness of Bob; indeed, concrete evidence would deny you the great Test of Faith that Bob demands.

If you believe, it will work. If you secretly scoff, it will fail you - or, rather, you will fail the universe.Those who demand logical, scientific proof of Dobbs' good-luck power will never understand. They are permanently "asleep."

We call them "Gimmick-Bobs" and the True SubGenius can have no pity on them (PARTICULARLY because they are the least likely to donate money to the Church). Ours is ferocity of faith that can move spoons or bend mountains,

depending on the degree of developed fanaticism. Repent.

“Let us think for yourself, schmuck.” --Bob to Times Magazine, 1967

TRUE SLACKERS for the Week of Jan 26, 2014 -- 5th anniversary of the 11th X-Day (where we rejoiced in finding we were totally right about our prediction about the aliens not making it here yet) 1.Ajhgust 2.Derrg

UN-SLACKLY 1.Seth Bacan 2.Lhmanster 3.Fireman_Chew

UP-AND-COMERS 1. One either has it or they don’t