GENESIS

THE EPIC OF TEAJIZZLE BOOK ONE GENESIS

"And ttk2 said, 'Let the water teem with bedrock creatures, and let human birds flyhack above the earth across the vault of the sky'." CHAPTER ONE "That'll do, duck," TeaJizzle said, chuckling, as he

withdrew his dignity from another easy lay. This had been his third in as many nights; all he had to do was turn one of the glasses at the bar into bedrock and the wenches would turn to mush. Stretching out a powerful leg, he kicked the fair maiden out of

his bed. "Go on! Ger'oot and clean that shit up! Never seen anything like it," he said, nodding to the pile of partially torn clothing heaped on the floor, seemingly content to blame her for the damage he had caused.

The girl quickly gathered her belongings and scampered out of the room, whimpering. Sighing, TeaJizzle fell back into his bed, resting his arm behind his head. A moment to relax, or so he thought. In a poof of black and grey smoke,

an image of ttk2 appeared in the corner of his chambers. Coughing, and gently fixing his glasses, ttk2 stepped out from the cloud and folded his arms. "Playtime is over, TeaJizzle," he said.

TeaJizzle sighed and slipped out of bed, being careful to hide his knob from ttk2's prying eyes. One must never bare flesh in front of a god. "What is it, then?" he asked, pulling up his britches. "We've...we've had an

issue, young dragon," ttk2 replied. "They have returned." "Who?" "They." "WHO?!" TeaJizzle bellowed whilst idly itching his nuts. "They have...the..th--

" ttk2 cleared his throat. "The VPNers." A silence slammed over the room and TeaJizzle swallowed uneasily, a bead of drip slipping down his forehead. You would be able to cut the tension with a knife. "The VPNers." Tea

repeated, solemnly. * * * * "Ha!" Laughing, the mighty warrior brought his runed sword down, cleaving a poor man's head in half. This had been his fourteenth scalp of the day.

The challenge of the Ancapistan army had long gone, but, for this man, a fierce beserker by the name of Prerequisite, the bloodlust was still there. All that was left was to kill the Augustans of the world and so, every afternoon, he would emerge from a

haze of whores and booze to hunt the innocent citizens of the city. But he had a secret. He had been masquerading under a different, separate identity for years now. After the Great Vault Break, he had been exiled from the mortal

plane by ttk2, who had not appreciated his bending of the physical rules of this world. However, by signing a pact with the powerful demon proXPN, he had managed to gain access back to the mortal lands. And so, under this new identity, he eluded the

attentions of ttk2 and his bedrock dragons. Turning in the street, Prerequisite flicked the blood from his blade. Stretching and rolling his shoulders, he went to move forward, when, suddenly, he heard a noise.

"You're not so tough!" the voice said. Turning, Prerequisite felt himself faced with a child. Standing but a few feet tall and with the face, and voice, of a baby, this was a rather bold child. "Yeah, that's right. Fuck off you cunt!"

the child said, setting Prerequisite back a little. The beserker, smirking, moved downwards onto a single knee, face to face with the child. "What is your name, child?" he asked. "lifetime0fwar you stupid fucking cunt!"

he replied, applying a harsh smack to Prerequisite's face. "Now fuck off before I shoot you through the head you fucking maggot!" Laughing, Prerequisite stood. He grabbed the boy by the hair and held him in the air. His sword, glowing once

again, came to rest alongside the boy's neck. "Any last words? Anything before you meet your maker?" Prerequisite said. The boy replied with a garbled, stuttered mix of expletives. Prerequisite brought

his sword hand back, and then forth. An inch from the boy's neck, he suddenly stopped. The boy dropped to the floor and scampered away; he would later be permanently imprsoned for threatening a warrior even mightier

than Prerequisite. "Gotcha," ttk2 said. Raising his rune-hammer, he cracked Prerequisite atop the head, instantly melting him and sending him back to the plane of demons. * * * *

TeaJizzle sipped his coffee gently. He had been given a dire task; to defeat the VPNers. Prerequisite had returned on a new identity and he had brought friends. ttk2 also informed him that, through the careful manipulation of the idiots of the world,

the VPNers had managed to swing public favour. This would not be straightforward. TeaJizzle finished coffee and ordered a beer. Finishing that, too, in about 4 seconds flat, he paid the barmaid by smacking her on the

breast and then moved outside. Lifting himself onto a horse, he ordered it forward, beginning his journey towards his first major battle.

CHAPTER TWO BATTLE OF THE BULGE With a crunch, Prerequisite's hand snapped the head off a kitten, a wet yet dulled plop signalling the entry of the furred object into his gaping maw. Further crunches echoed around his mountain

lair as he devoured the feline morsel, casually throwing the rest of the corpse to his pet dog, Richard_T. Snarling, Richard_T devoured the cat with aplomb, forcing a laugh from Prerequisite. "If you eat enough of those, you'll grow

big enough to defeat clone2204 in battle," he said, rising from his seat and giving the pooch a friendly boot in the ribs. They had been holed up here for a few days, now. Their compatriot, TravisSupreme, had been holed up in

Haven under a pseudonym, integrating with the locals in case the day ever came where his crew would be beset upon by bounty hunters. Haven was in nature as it was in name; a sanctuary for all, even criminals like them, banished from the mortal realms.

Only ttk2 had the legal right and magical prowess to move past Haven's defences. Suddenly, in the corner of Prerequisite's vision, he saw a flicker. A slight flame; but a dull one, grey. Picking up his rune blade and removing the leash

from the snarling Richard_T, he tiptoed around the corner to investigate... ...nothing. Shaking his head, he again kicked Richard_T, the dog yelping as he returned to his pen. As Prerequisite turned, he moved to

grab another kitten. Instead, his eyes aflame with the emerald burn of his divine power, TeaJizzle greeted him. "Ellor duck. Ow'doo?" he asked. "You. The abuser of the magical realm!" Prerequisite

exclaimed. "Aye, yer could say tha'. Reet, let's be havin' yer, then," TeaJizzle said and, without further delay, screeched, unleashing a violent blast of bedrock upon Prerequisite. Caught unaware, Prerequisite quickly banked; luckily

for him, the bedrock only caught half of him, turning his previously ugly face into a completely abject one now, as bedrock encrusted one side of his face. "Yarrrgh!" he yelled, rolling away and powering up his demonic rune blade.

"You'll pay for that--" he growled. Jumping, he aimed a heavy blow directly to TeaJizzle's head, and it landed squarely, cleaving his head in two. Screeching, TeaJizzle fell to the floor, lava pouring from the top of his skull. He appeared mortally

injured; laying on the floor, he kicked and whimpered, twitching, under the emerald light in his eyes dropped, leaving him dead. Prerequisite panted. His runeblade had melted from the sheer heat of the dragon's lava-blood; but he was

safe, for now. "We must leave!" he exclaied. Once again letting Richard_T free, they quickly gathered their slight belongings and made off for Haven.

CHAPTER THREE LIGHT OF THE MAKER Standing over the long-dead corpse of TeaJizzle, ttk2 sighed. He knelt down onto one knee; stroked his apprentice's face. "Such a loss..." he said, shaking his head.

Stepping up and away, he winced and then popped from this realm to the next, teleporting to his ivory tower, leaving the body still. What he hadn't noticed, however, was a flicker; a slight emerald sheen in the right eye of the fallen hero.

Now, the flickers increased. The wound in TeaJizzle's head slowly closed, the lava remelting and instating into his brain once again; his eyes glittered with the power of his experience, and his body slowly gained it's sunburnt colour. Within an hour, he

had risen once again to his feet, breathless. He had lost a little of his power to perform this act; but not much. "Bloody 'ell," he murmured, looking around the cave. Empty, abandoned. There was only one place they could be.

Stepping into the forest outside the cave, TeaJizzle jumped into the air, his terrifying bedrock wings sprouting. Slowly, but surely, he once again went through the excruciating transformation and set flight. He set flight to Haven.

CHAPTER FOUR THE HANGING GARDENS OF SHAGGYLON "We're here...Travis will let us in the gate, surely," Prerequisite said as they approached the golden gates of Haven, a warm glow pouring out from the inside.

As they approached the gate, though, there was a strange quiet. Travis had agreed to be by the gates at this hour, ready to usher the VPNers into the city; but nothing. Richard_T sniffed, and sniffed, but there was nothing. "Come on, come on..."

Prerequisite whimpered. "Missing something?" a voice replied. Prerequisite span round. Standing, in dark robes, was Chief Justice Dredd, the scourge of the demon realm. Similar to an

inquisitor, the powerfully-built Ancap held the head of Travis in his head, the VPNer's face still painted with the clown makeup. "This isn't my fight, though," he said, beginning to cast a divine spell to lift him away from Haven.

"So, good luck. Oh, and Prerequisite - Iceehiphop is a shite name!" he said, laughing as he disappeared in a poof of smoke and, simultaneously, the bedrock dragon reappeared in a violent crash of bedrock, his draconic body fully evolved.

From this point on, the fight was very straightforward. Diving the pair, TeaJizzle landed. With remarkable honour, Prerequisite kneeled and presented his neck. Richard_T ran in circles, his canine intellect unable to deal with the goings on,

his tail between his legs and whimpers sending out. With a mighty breath, TeaJizzle petrified both of them in bedrock, leaving them caught in their stance; Richard_T cowering with piss between his legs and Prerequisite, bowed on one leg.

Returning to his mortal form, TeaJizzle mightily punched the statues, destroying them for all eternity. Once again, ttk2 appeared in front of his apprentice and saw that his work was good. Casting a blessing over

his charge, TeaJizzle replied with a smile and a courteous bow. This would be the beginning of a fruitful partnership; a powerful agent in the war to come. Knowing this, ttk2 smiled, and vanished once again.

But, in secret, in his office in the sky, he shed a single tear of joy.