Discordian Vol 1

Discordian Concerto - Vol 1 I dedicate this concerto to the fair goddess, Eris. I have gone to California and I’ve found out everything. The fair goddess has revealed herself to me and I have seen the light of Discord and have been saved.

§0 §0First Movement§0 §0Exposition§0 §0It is a technical rule that all Gods and Goddesses are allowed to vote in council. It is considered by many of the Gods and Goddesses to be one of “the most important of our articles, from

§0which there can be no escape”. They had meant, in the aftermath of their late father’s dictatorship, to create a divine democracy. All gods and goddesses were equal in the hall save for the chairman who was to moderate the discussion

between impermanent rival parties. The chairman would be cycled out every meeting and have limited power in comparison to the council members. That’s how it was intended anyway. The current chairman had served for over 5 billion years and

the council consisted of only 12 members, most of which were never exchanged. In the struggle against his fathers’ regime Zeus had been able to gather enough political clout to take office permanently and establish his regime. Not all of the gods

readily accepted this arrangement. One such Goddess was the fair Eris, Goddess of Discord. She actively opposed and disobeyed the dictates of the council, which made her immensely unpopular. For her disobedience she was shunned. Often

she was the subject of vicious slander and libel. Tandava (Waves entice.) March soon, February now, August forever. On Wednesday I clean the lobby. On Thursday I clean the closet. On Friday I’ll smoke a few in my

pristine room. Saturday remains unplanned. (Heat the beat.) On Sunday I sweep out the church. On Monday I’ll brush off the bells. The sun is hiding from the fruit, so we get no peals. Tuesday remains unplanned. (Motion waves.)

On Wednesday I drive across the bridge. On Thursday I’ll walk. On Friday I crawl. Carry on or Carrion. Saturday remains unplanned. Development As the regime gathered power, they had her followed and all of her actions recorded and put

on file. By the one billionth year of Zeus’ administration the file was kept in volumes in several cabinets. By the second it took an entire floor. In its current state it was stored on a series of dimensional realities and staffed by whole populations

of clerks constantly trying to iron out inconsistencies and remove redundancies. Sure it was expensive, but the order of things demanded that disorder be watched and controlled. To pay for all this the Gods ordered the cosmos. From the

cosmos sprung planets[1] and suns[2]. Certain of these planetary investments reached fruition and generated a profitable return. One such planet was populated by humans, who were decently interesting as far as things

went.[3] Sometimes the gods would involve themselves in human affairs on a lark, for entertainment. Of these gods Dionysus was the most interested and readily accepted amongst the humans. He took a strong interest in what

they did, how they learned, and how they made new things from old. He was fascinated. “She agreed today.” “She did?” “Yeah, getting married a week from now.” “Oh how funny.” “I’m throwing a party for them.” “Here?”

(beat) “Not right here.” “But in Olympus?” “It’ll be hilarious!” “Oh you know how many of these stiffs around here are going to show up, like your uncle[4].” “Leave him out of it. The real question is whether or not you’re one of

those stiffs.” “I don’t know. It’s just for some human wedding. It’s not exactly a holiday.” “That’s why it’s so funny. It’s entirely unexpected.” >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> To my most beloved Goddess of Discord, >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I cannot keep our engagement as planned >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I must postpone the fulfillment of my end >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> to a later date. –Pope Feliks-Katucia Mes IV >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Recapitulation “Let this council

be called to order. We convene today for the discussion of several issues, chief among them being Order RmVlZCB0aGUgQ29ycG9yYXRlIGJlYXN0. That’s the one about the redistribution of Ambrosia, right? First though, we have the business of

extending the Intelligence Fund. Shall we go straight to the vote?” “Chairman, I must object.” “What is the matter?” “Every time we bring this up to vote the fund grows, but where are the results? I have seen nothing that says

that this fund should conti-“ “These things take time, nephew. I would not expect you to understand, with your limited first-hand experience of Intelligence.” “I think the kid has a point though, Zeus. What have we

gathered from our intelligence fund that has been even mildly useful?” “It’s a fact that several reactionary conspiracies have been thwarted thanks to information that has been gathered.” “What conspiracies?” “They haven’t been released to the

public. One of our oracles has alerted me to the fact that there will be an attempt on my life.” “What? Who?!” “We haven’t caught the culprit yet, but it is suspected to be someone very close to me. (beat) Shall we go

straight to the vote?” Rhythm Section You can know someone by their independent rhythm. Everyone has a rhythm that they follow along at. At every moment they are counting out motions automatically to within the millimeter. As they move they have an

internal metronome which they connect to in order to keep organized, like a drum beat. The internal rhythm is the subset of the external rhythm. That means that the external rhythm is a way to synchronize multiple internal rhythms for a unified action.

This might be rowing, marching, or whatever. Dancing is the purest form of this, because dancing is moving together for the sake of being able to move together. Being part of something is something humans like, which is why popular songs

often have standard and simple beats; everyone can follow along. But, sometimes people get stuck on one beat, like a kind of rhythmic hiccup. Eris startles them out of it. She is the natural counterbalance of serenity. Serenity

in excess becomes stagnation, boredom, and monotony. Discord in excess creates chaos, cacophony, and it overwhelms the senses. They sit in natural balance. It is only when another being acts on or against them that there is a

reaction. Second Movement The Wedding of Peleus and Thetis It’s funny to think, when the party started they didn’t have a single clue what kind of mess was on its way. There wasn’t a soul or pair of soles on Olympus that hadn’t made

an appearance and yet none of them had any idea. There was Eros, God of Love, with his golden looks and silver tongue. He posed stoically by the bar; allowing himself to be worshipped by the eyes of passers-by. Then there was

Pan, a table over. If Eros had a silver tongue then Pan’s was lead. He was clumsily wooing a young nymph over a third round. Luckily for him he had a very large amount of influence and that carried its own attraction. Aphrodite was

dancing. She moved like a blossom set adrift by a wind; the incarnation of grace and in the emerald of her eyes a hint of seduction. Her strawberry locks caressed the rosy, supple flesh of her shoulder. Hera sat just off of the dance floor,

resplendent in red robes and rubies. An ornate peacock feather fan waved at the cream white of her neck. Her eyes did not wander so much as follow the wanderings of her husband. Of all of the gods it was only Zeus who could deceive her and as such it

was only him who attempted to do so on a regular basis. At the moment the fair and noble Chairman was speaking to Athena, though it was unclear whether he was flirting. She wouldn’t put it past the cad, but if he was then Athena was having none of it.

Her sharp face bore its usual fierce expression and her posture was tense. She radiated a pointed aggression, the sinew and muscle of her athletic form rippled when she spoke, always ready for anything. Dionysus was the one who broke her

concentration. He came stumbling over smelling of sweat and alcohol. Clearly he was possessed by some absolutely evil spirits. “Aunt Hera! I’m absolutely overjoyed that you could make it!” “As am I.” “Yeah, it’s been a

blast so far. Did you see Hades? Who knew the guy could dance like that! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA! Now Ares, jeez what a square. Couldn’t shake a hip if it was in the honor of eviscerating an embattled foe or, uh, whatever, hahahahahaha!”

“Tha-” “And wow! Have you seen Aphrodite out there? I’ll eat my robe if she hasn’t gotten better since last time... hahahahahahaha! Oh that didn’t come out quite right! Don’t you hate it when stuff like that happens?” “Yes wel-”

“Yeah, her and Hades... who would have thought that hades, I mean, uh, he doesn’t seem like the fun-loving type at all. I mean, we all know he isn’t the fun loving type, but jeez. I mean, where do you learn to move your body like that when you spend

your free time with corpses? HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Hera glanced over his shoulder as he continued his drunken meandering. Both Zeus and Athena were conspicuously gone. It crossed her mind that perhaps Zeus had arranged for her to be

cornered by Dionysus while he snuck off. Her face took on a deep apple red hue as she impatiently brushed off her cockeyed captor in search of her disappeared husband. It was true that of Zeus’ qualities faithfulness was

not one. It was true that his eye wandered and he did often have extra-marital affairs. It was not true that he was after Athena in this respect, at least not at this moment. Rather they were discussing an important issue of Cosmological

Security. Eris, in spite of all of the records of her whereabouts and activities, was still somehow managing to work her influence on the cosmos. Athena (as official Intelligence Minister) had been doing her best to counter her, but could not find

a single moment in which Eris would have been able to set the events into motion. She was entirely baffled. Zeus and she had stepped away for a moment to review what information they had. Hera did not find them as she had hoped

to. On the way to the door she found something rather beautiful on a table. It was a golden apple. There was no tag, card, or any other identifying mark. Only a single phrase was etched gracefully into the side: “KALLISTE”[5]

Holy Cow or Wholly Chao? There was a young Discordian Pope, who was troubled with questions of the faith. He was so troubled by his questions that he consulted his pineal gland for guidance. The Goddess Eris manifested

herself before him in the form of a large and magnificent bovine animal and spoke unto him. "There is a question that troubles you?" "Yes" "What is the question?" "I know that the Sacred Chao is the symbolic of the

balancing of order and disorder, but isn't that inherently an orderly construct? Isn't balance a form of order?" Eris chewed this over for a while. She seemed to be genuinely thinking the problem through. Finally, after quite

some time, she spoke. "Moo."