1 Liners: Part 1

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. - Stephen Wright I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now! - Bob Monkhouse

I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction. - Mark Twain I could see being married one day.... two days tops - Unknown

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx Procrastination: working tomorrow for a better today! Nobody drives in New York. Too much traffic. - Fry

My parents always told me to marry someone with the same beliefs as the family; I said, "Why would I marry someone who thinkgs I'm an asshole?" - Adam Sandler Jurisprudence Fetishist Get Off On Technicality. - The Onion

Every fight is a food fight if you are a cannibal. - Demitri Martin Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend? There are two types of people--Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data..."

Two fish are in a tank, when one turns to the other and says, "How the hell do we drive this thing?" Two soldiers are in a tank, when one turns to the other and says, "Glubglubglubglubglubglub" The other soldier says, "God's sake, speak English, Frank"

I think my wife's been fooling around on me because our parrot keeps saying, "Give it to me hard and fast before my husband Jon Katz comes home." - Jon Katz I love the word frequently, and I try to use it as much as possible.

You can't trust atoms, they make everything up. I don't mean to brag, but I'm 2 girls away from a threesome. My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban at the local zoo.

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Double Entendre... So he gives her one. Whats the hardest thing about telling a joke timing Being bipolar sucks. I love it.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." - Jimmy Carr Dyslexics, untie!