Oedipus Rex

OEDIPUS REX Translated by: Comrade_Napoleon 28 Feb. 2014 Libsock Publishing

[CHORUS on stage, sick] [Enter OEDIPUS] Oedipus: Yo whats the deal why errybody sick? Chorus: This plauge blows man save us Mr. King Oedipus: You got it!

I'm so cool and awesome! Get me the seer he'll tell me whats up Chorus: Yes, sir! Oedipus: Man its great being King all of a sudden. Yo Jocasta?! [Enter Jocasta, her and Oedipus make out]

Oedipus: What's up, baby? Jocasta: Nothing much, just caring for our strange-looking kids Oedipus: Cool, baby. I can't wait to fuck your brains out tonight. Jocasta: Again? YES!

[Enter TIRESIAS] Oedipus: Whats up Tiresias? Whats the problem with this plage, what do i gotta do? Tiresias: HEEHEEHEE the plauge is caused by an evil man in the town HEEHEEHEE Oedipus:Who is he?!

Tiresias: HEEHEEHEE he is a man who was prophecized to kill his dad and bang his mom HEEHEEHEE Jocasta: What. Oedipus: Shut up, wife. Tiresias, who is this man?! We need to find him at once to end this and bang our wives

Tiresias: HEEHEEHEE I really can't say HEEHEEHEE Oedipus: Bullshit you cant say tell me now! Tiresias: HEEHEEHEE It's you HEEHEEHEE Oedipus: Yo thats a fresh plate of horse shit ya got there

Tiresias: HEEHEEHEE It's true HEEHEEHEE Oedipus: You're conspiring against me you old fool! Get him out of here and bring me Creton! [Tiresias leaves] Jocasta: Oedipus I really have to say-

Oedipus: Not now you foxy lady I'm investigating Jocasta: Ok. [Enter CREON] Creon: yo da fuk do u want Oedipus: bitch u tryna kill me

Creon: yo thats a fresh plate of horse shit Oedipus: Its true! You want to be king i see the jealousy in your eyes and they envy you have for my wife! Jocasta: uhmmmmmmmm Oedipus: Not now!

Creon: Dude she's my sister Oedipus: Shit man thats right hahaha Creon: yea dont worry bout it. but fo reel doe why would i wanna be king I have all ur power with no responsibility what do i gain?

Oedipus: True, ture. ok i guess it was wrong for me to accuse you. Carry on, brotha Creon: Peace, dude [Exit Creon] Jocasta: Hey baby i gotta tell you something

Oedipus: what, sugarpie? Jocasta: You know that prophecy he was talking about? Oedipus: yeah wat about it Jocasta: I was told the same thing many years ago with my first son

Oedipus: Wow really? What'd you do about it? Jocasta: Oh nothing big we just pinned his feet together after he was born and left him exposed on the hillside Oedipus: ok nothing big Jocasta: yeah haha

Oedipus: Actually I was told the same thing before I came here Jocasta: Haha no way Oedipus: yeah I skipped town, bumped into some asshole at a crossroads, killed the old man, killed that sphinx outside here and here i am now

Jocasta: Wait a minute you said killed someone at a crossroads Oedipus: Yeah what about it Jocasta: My husband, the king was killed at crossroads Oedipus: damn!

Jocasta: yeah i know it sucks hunny. Oedipus: Was he with a few other guys? Jocasta: Probs Oedipus: Shit it was me. but lets get a courier to get the guy that survived and ask to make sure. sorry bbe

Jocasta: Its okay youre better in the sack Oedipus: Damn right I am [enter MESSENGER] Messenger: AYO OEDIPUS! Oedipus: AYO WAT

Messenger: YO HOLMES I GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FROM CORINTH Oedipus: Good news first. Messenger:YO DAD IS DEAD Oedipus: Great! Now i can't kill him!

Jocasta: Great news! Oedipus: What's the bad news? Messenger: HE ISNT YOUR DAD! [stifiling silence] Oedipus: What. Jocasta: What.

Messenger: YEAH WHEN YOU WERE A BABY A SHEPHEARD FOUND YOU WITH YOUR FEET NAILED TOGETHER AND HE GAVE YOU TO THE KING AND QUEEN OF CORNITH Oedipus: oh shit damn this is news to me. Get me this shepheard! Jocasta: shit..................

Oedipus: What, honey bunches of oats? Jocasta: Hey baby, why don't we stop this whole investigation. How about we just go back to the palace and not find out more information? Hmm, sounds good? Oedipus: No, woman.

Jocasta: No, seriously. Lets stop. Oedipus: You daft or something? We're not stopping this search! Jocasta:Please dont. Oedipus: No. Jocasta: Please?

Oedipus: No! Jocasta: I really don't think you understand, we NEED to stop. Oedipus: NO! We've gone too far Jocasta: Please! We have to! I want only the best for us!

Oedipus: I'm sorry, but I'm not stopping! Jocasta: No! You'll ruin us all! [Jocasta leaves in frenzy] Oedipus: Yo bitches be cray or what, guys? Chorus: Bitches cray.

Oedipus: Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks! Chorus: Oh! ~~ Snap! ~~ Hot damn, brotha'! [SHEPHEARD enters] Oedipus: Hey, shepheard! Shepheard: uhm hi

Oedipus: Hey years ago did you find a nailed baby in the forest? Shepheard: ... Oedipus: You daft or something? Answer! Shepheard: oh jeez, yes

Oedipus: There we go. Who gave you this baby? Shepheard: ... Oedipus: Dammit old man, answer! Shepheard: oh i really dont wanna say it Oedipus: Say it!

Shepheard: oh lord forgive me.... Oedipus: let it out! Shepheard: ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Oedipus: SAY IT! Shepheard: Laius and Jocasta!

Oedipus: What. Shepheard: Yes, the king and queen. he was supposed to bang the queen and kill the king so they threw him in the woods. I gave him to Corinth and they named him ... Oedipus... Oedipus: Okay that's enough, get out!

[Shepheard exits] Oedipus: Okay, so if the king and queen here got rid of their baby, and then they were picked up by Corinth, raised to be king named Oedipus, that means that- [Silence. Oedipus walks out]

Chorus: Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Chorus2: Yeah Oedipus be one gross mothafuck- [Jocasta screams off stage. Silence] [Oedipus cries out off stage, then screams]

[Enter Creon] Creon: Okay, so Jocasta just hung herself guys, FYI. Chorus: Shit, man. Creon: (turns around) Yep, and Oedipus just gouged his eyes out Chorus: Hardcore.

[Enter blinded Oedipus] Oedipus: Oh god I fucked up real bad. Creon: You can say that again. Oedipus: Oh god i fucked up real bad. Creon: (sighs)

Oedipus: I don't deserve the fortune of death, I must live out my days in agony! Exile me from these lands at once! Creon: Well, I guess I'm the new King now, so yeah. I'll get you a stick and show you out the door

[Creon gives Oedipus a stick, both exit] [exit Chorus] [curtain]

CAST Oedipus Jocasta Tiresias Creon Messenger Shepheard Chorus (mult. people)