Bib'lan Vol. IV

THE HOLY BIB'LAN §0Vol IV.§r §0Book of The Holy Spirit§r §0- - - - - - - - - - - §r §0My father was an archer. My uncle was a spade. My grandfather was a flour pigeon. My grandmother was a wart. My mother was Mary Hussar. We smoked pot all of the§r

time. We never drank alcohol. We ate whatever we wanted. Mary liked to dress up. She liked to bathe in cool water. And she giggled like a baby. All of the other members of her family were chickens. Digging the grave was boring as hell. You should buy a

goldfish for every child youo have. Then every two years, buy a new goldfish for every §0child...that§r§0 you HAVE! Then every four years, join a spiritual council and decide how much credence you give to the notion that the Denver International Airport is the §r

site of the Illuminati headquarters. Then every six years, buy a blue horse for every child you have. Then every twelve years, you should do a boat tour of the United States, and visit all 50 states. Well, it usually happens at night. But sometimes it

doesn't. And when it does, it usually happens during the day. Tonight I'm going to smoke a blunt. I'm feeling a little gonzo. You should see me right now. Gorgeous. And not in a sexy way. So gonzo. I was working on a project with a German company, and I

was in the middle of sketching a solution to a biophysical optimization problem. My boss interrupted our brainstorming and pulled me aside, said, " Marcus, the Chinese are making a biophysical optimization breakthrough. They're making it possible. Then

he told me, they're making it possible with technology. So the Light Briade came, and with them came Castrophic Kangaroo, and with them came Ugly George, and we all got stuck inside a brainstorm. ANd Catastrophic Kangaroo droppped dead, and so did

Catastrophic Puma. And so did Catastrophic Kasbo. Everyone else got a license for Microsoft Office. That was eleven years ago. And even though I've gotten a new Outlook, the technology still eludes us. I'm the reckoner. I count everything: wheels on the

corns on the cob, skinny jeans on the cob, zealots on the cob, birds on the wing, the way a man walks in a wheelchair, my body ache, and raw chicken tenders in the spice grinder of the integrated factory. The counting is so important. The count is for

survival. “I worked in a breakfast factory until they replaced me with dubious human shit like Michael Jordan and Seth Rogan. I've been livid ever since. It’s my speciality. Nowadays I throw tantrums and spill cereal on my mom’s fancy guest towels. Every

time the cleaners come, I’m like: ‘Who cares?’ And my mom is like: ‘I am the one who cares.’ But before she’s even finished talking I’ll say something like: ‘Shit happens.’ I’m really good with the comebacks. It’s my speciality.”

“Space pirates prepare a special sleeping bag for cosmonauts who are seven or eight years from §0space.And§r§0 they wear special socks to simulate the coldest part of space. And they wear eye patches to protect against the solar flares and particle showers.§r

And they even get extra socks if a space shuttle lands on the moon. And they wear underwear made of whalebone to simulate the coldest part of outer space. And they even get a T-shirt made from a chocolate Labrador to represent the coldest part of theMoon.

he astronauts wear special gloves to simulate the coldest part of the vacuum of outer space. And they even wear mouthguards made of real shark teeth to represent the coldest part of outer space. . And they even get a Polaroid picture of the land mass of

outer space so they can simulate the coldest part of outer space. Except the land mass of outer space is just a big fat blob of ice, a frigid place where nothing but an astronaut can possibly go. ut you do get to leave the land mass of outer space because

the astronauts will be taking a spacewalk to simulate the coldest part of outer space. But don't use real mink fur as an example because that is a thing. Mink fur is just the tip of a very long tail. It's all about the little details that add up to tell a

big story. Mink fur is one of the chief ingredients in whale oil. The oil in whale bone contains compounds that defend the delicate tissues of the throat and gums. The creatures that consume the whale are called whale sharks. These creatures are

aggressive and fierce. But you'll never see a shark in the flesh. After whale sharks, the next deadliest shark is the great white shark. These things are tough and scary and eat sharks. But not in the flesh. In the flesh, they eat whales. So please use

safe, non-lethal fishing methods. But be careful not to use shark fin. Because sharks are tough and can survive with a single bite. §0What if there is something you want to be that you can’t change?w The circle would be a perfect triangle. But my teacher§r

told me that it’s not good to think like this. It can seem like you aren’t human. So I joined the math club. Since then I’ve done a lot of research, and I've come to the conclusion that thinking too much is th result of thinking too much. It's also caused

by too much studying. I have a 7.5 GPA. §0We wanted to name our first child after the sound of his father’s voice being heard in the background while a still image of a cheesecake was projected on a screen. After some deliberation, we ultimately chose to go§r

ith Wilco Everclear. The name stuck. When you hear it, it sounds just like a really loud fart. We named our second child Shadow. Since then we’ve had nineteen more kids.“My grandma would always say, ‘When life gives you lemons, Mike's Hard lemonade

contains 5 percent alcohol by volume.’ And I’m always like, ‘Oh, wow.’ I did not realize how lucky I was. §0People call me the love child of David and Monica. I got my first job when I was fifteen doing maintenance on the streetlights. When I turned §r

eighteen, I decided that I was going to be the face of the Internet. I started selling t-shirts and doing promotional stunts. I did a Doge meme on the internet. I dabbed with Stretch Armstrong and launched a cryptocurrency for victims of Eric Andre

Then I cranked up the zen and went on an intellecftual property rights rampage. Doge meme provides some much needed relief from the choreography of your life. Just another sign of the Times New Roman. “Ancient astronauts would leave candy

in the solar system to give children a break from all the cosmic stuff. I don’t know why they stopped doing that. It’s hard to even contemplate what it means to live in a candy-filled cosmos.” When the meds wore off, I got right back on the mechanical

bull, and rode into the sunset, laughing all night long. Three months later, the application for my PhD was denied. They said my performance was flawed becaause I was 'time traveling.' I felt so alone. This is so difficult for an internationally renowend

scientist. But that same day the Cambridge Dean of Scholars in Australia and the Middle East announced that I'm hearing voices in my head to a committee of Syriza officials. And they called me face to face. We waited until the moon was full and then we

hugged it out. There’s no carnival. There’s no Jennifer Lopez. There’s no Derek Jeter. We keep hearing about this EPIC baby that’s going to cure cancer. But the population is beginning to realize that we have a problem. And I think it's mostly due to

Forrest Gump.I’ve been training to be a sperm donor. You’re going to need a license to harvest this product. Your competitors will cry foul, but trust me -- it’s big business. Time may not be as important as they say it is, but it's more important than

YOU think it is!!!!!!!!!!